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The Pre-sexual Agreement: The Politics of Sex

14/10/2010

This is not a new idea. In fact the agreement attached I found on the Internet. You would be surprised what you can find on the net.

But before we got to coitus, let me explain where I am coming from. No pun intended.

Firstly let me begin by stating a few facts that some people seem to gloss over. Apparently only us men like to fuck. Women on the other hand are more into intimate sexual loving. This is utter bullshit. Both men and women like to fuck. It’s true. I’m sorry if this upsets people. Get over it.

Further, we are all individuals with individual tastes, wants and needs.

For example some people like ice cream and some do not. It gets even more complicated. Some people are lactose intolerant so even though they like ice-cream, they can not have it.And those that can and do like ice cream like different flavours. Are not we humans complicated animals?

Now if we apply this to the sexual act, then we have to consider that some people like to have sex with one partner in an intimate relationship of loving and others like to have sex with multiple partners with no strings attached. Some even like to have sex with multiple partners at the same time.

The hypocrisy of all of this is if some one likes chocolate over vanilla ice cream then that is not really an issue. But if a man or woman prefer to have sex with interracial partners then that is looked on as some kind of fetish.

Of course in the past men and women have been killed for engaging in sexual relations with someone not of their ‘race’. The fact that it is now a fetish is a huge improvement. And we are all members of the human race are we not?

But now I am going to move to the latest newspaper taboo, tutti-fruity ice cream lovers and those that like to have sex with multiple partners at the same time. To the former, we barely consider that weird. But to the latter we consider it some kind of dangerous activity.

The males in such a relationship swing their penis’ and beat their chests, and the females are labelled sluts and whores.

I once knew a guy who would boast that he never paid for sex. I would internally scoff.  He would take a woman out to dinner, wine and dine her(he would always pay – some notion about man the breadwinner I guess), take her to a night club, and if the chemistry was right and both partners willing, they would engage in coitus.

Apparently this is not paying for sex.

Women are not stupid and cottoned on to the fact that they too could do this. They too can be the one with the cash. They too can play the aggressive.Many men see this as weird. It is a man’s world after all.

And there is the crux of the problem.

In the 1960’s women were told the celebrate their sexual freedom because now, like men, they can have sex with who ever they wished and not worry about any messy foetus.  Of course if a problem occurred then there was always the abortion solution.

This was never a revolution for women. It was a revolution for men. Men created the pill. Men created the technique of the abortion. Women went along for the ride. Do not get me wrong, the pill created a vast step forward of sexual equality for women. It also created hormonal problems, fertility problems and health issues.

In the 1970’s came the age of bra burning and women’s liberation. No more will women be bare feet and pregnant! How is that working out for you? And then along came AIDS. And the world of sex and sexual relationships changed once more.

Men were now required to carry condoms as a mandatory act. Women too carried them in case they met up with a guy who still thought his shit did not stink. The fact that some men somehow think stopping and putting on a condom is just to bothersome then get a life. Do not put the onus on the woman and the advent of the morning after pill. If you cannot get your penis up long enough for you to put on a condom, then I suggest you learn.

See I believe sex in the modern era has been all about men. A bloke that scores is lauded as a hero. The woman he engaged it with filed under easy and his mates keep an eye out in case she gets a little tipsy and they can dip their wick in.

This is apparently normal behaviour by men. What I do not understand at times is why women accept this. But they do. You see some women can be more disgusting in the way they treat their friends when they discover that that person has had sex. Especially if it is with a partner they themselves fancy. I have seen the label of slut become self fulfilling. The label of stud somehow makes the person labelled such more attractive. Go figure.

We have a very very archaic attitude to sexual behaviour. Any diversity from what some consider the norm is labelled perversion. The perversion is we have labels at all.

Now at the other end of the spectrum, we have some men who throw their weight around in the sexual act. If a partner says no, to them that means go harder. Others see this as a personal insult and react accordingly and sometimes violently. Now this may occur in the sexual act between two people. But when the act involves more than two, it can turn ugly. If a woman laughs or mocks one of the men over their sexual inadequacy then that could be bad enough. But if someone changes their mind, well that can lead to rape.

And that is intolerable.

So, we need to get smart. We need to develop some kind of system that is acceptable to all partners involved and we need them to understand the rules right up front. The agreement below is comedy. But what is wrong with the concept? What is wrong with an agreement signed by the partners in front of an independent judge.

Many may see this as ridiculous. Well wait till I start talking about the use of a video referee!

The fact is somewhere between A and B, we have turned the act of sex into a game. We blokes score and mark up the belts with a notch over beers. Women do the same. Yes guys, women mark your sexual performance. Remember that the next time you decide for that one extra drink.

Okay. I have carefully avoided the things in the news and I do not want to blame one side or the other. The idea that the sexual act’s responsibility rests on the man’s shoulder alone is farcical. The fact that only men engage in sex for sport is also wrong. But the fact that all men and all women do so is also wrong.

Offering to take a person home is not an invitation for sex. It’s an offer to take someone home. Nothing else. Likewise you can’t make sexual advances and whisper lets fuck into their ear.

Men and women need to start to set ground rules with their prospective partners. If you want to have sex, then do so. But do so within laid out boundaries.

The act of sex may come naturally. But the act of engaging in sex in socially defined rules seems to be a bother for some.

So bring on the pre-sexual agreement I say. And if anyone breaks that agreement, then they have broken a legal contract and are subject to laws of the land.

And for god’s sake! No means no, not I want you to sexually abuse me! Unless of course that’s in the agreement.

Of course, we could all learn to respect each other. But that ain’t likely to happen in my life time.

 

I should add that you need to make sure the agreement is constitutionally sound or some people will renege on the deal.

 

Pre-Sex Agreement

I, THE UNDERSIGNED, AGREE THAT…1. In the unlikely event of my not having an orgasm after you’ve
drunkenly rolled on top of me and pumped away for five minutes,
wheezing like an old man with emphysema, I shall politely fake
one. And it’ll be a really good act too, with me saying stuff like
“So THIS is screwing!” and howling like a cat that’s being
repeatedly jabbed with a compass.2. Should your mother show me any photos of you as a child, like
those ones taken at your auntie’s weading where you’ve got a
velvet bow tie and a pudding-bowl haircut, I shall make no
comment. Ever. Or even look at you in a way that suggests they are
at all “funny”.3. I fully understand that a woman’s main role in any relationship is
to take the blame. So when you stub your toe in the bathroom or
your football team lose, I agree that – by some complex scientific
equation incomprehensible to woman – it will be my fault. Even if
I wasn’t there.

4. Whenever my friends and I get together for a girlie chat, I will
tell them that you are better hung than a large-balled Himalayan
yak.

5. And I will also mention this to YOUR friends. A lot.

6. After sex (which I will NEVER refer to as “making love”), I will
not expect you to cuddle me for hours till your arm goes dead. Nor
will I let my hair annoyingly get in your face.

7. I will never, ever give your penis a “cute” nickname.

8. In bed, I will be as keen as mustard to try any novel sexual
position you fancy. Especially ones where I do all the work and
you just lie there, grinning.

9. I will ruthlessly interogate my attractive female friends and
inform you if any of them have the slightest bisexual tendencies.
Then I’ll invite them around for dinner. And hide their car keys
so they have to stay.

10. After we split up, I will never sleep with any of your friends or
colleagues. Or anyone else you have ever met. Or may one day meet.
And if men attempt to chat me up, I will solemnly inform them that
you have “ruined me for other men.”

11. I understand that mechanical objects like cars, computer games,
and remote control devices are beyond the comprehension of women.
I will only make a fool of myself if I attempt to operate them, so
you’re in charge of the lot. Except for the iron and the washing
machine, of course.

Signed ___________________________________   Date ____________________


 

A. Ghebranious 2010

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