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I rescind you. I rescind you. I rescind you. (Apologies Clarke and Dawe)


Oh readers! Have I got a treat for you! An EXCLUSIVE interview with Tony Abbott! Yes! He wanted to speak to me!

ASH: Hello Tony.

TONY: Hello Ash.

ASH: So you wanted to speak to me?

TONY: I did.

ASH: Go.

TONY: I only just got here.

ASH: No. I mean go as in speak.

TONY: Oh! Sorry.

ASH: <pause>

TONY: <pause>

ASH: Maybe we should start again?

TONY: Oh we stared?

ASH: Well yes.

TONY: Oh! Okay sure. Well. I am here to announce some very very very big, huge, massive, positive policies. I mean predictions.

ASH: Do tell.

TONY: I just did.

ASH: I mean continue.

TONY: Oh right! Well, as Australia knows I predict that there will be an election and I predict that if my prediction is right, my prediction predicts that maybe we will win. In which case, I will be rescinding everything.

ASH: What do you mean?

TONY: Well, I will rescind all the policies the ALP put into place. Then I will rescind 2010 itself. It was not that great a year really. I was also planning to rescind the years 570 AD to 632 AD. That way I rescind the life of Mohammed and subsequently Islam as a whole. But it’s not anything to do with religion of course! I was also flicking through the enclycopedia and did you know there were not one but two world wars last century?

ASH: Umm. Yes.

TONY: Really? Well anyway. Terrible stuff! People dying and things. And then there was Korea and then Vietnam! So I am predicting that the coalition will rescind them too.

ASH: Alright. I’ll bite. How do you plan to do this?

TONY: Well, if as I predict, I win the next election, then I will be able to date men. I mean I will have a mandate. The ALP will have no choice but to get onto their knees and admire the glow of my mandate. All Australia will bend and admire my mandate! All this because the ALP has bonded and is living in sin with the foul and vile Greens who I predict will never be able to win a seat in the house of reps.

ASH: But they have one.

TONY: Really?

ASH: Yes. The coalition actually preferenced them to help them win the seat.

TONY: We did?

ASH: Yes.

TONY: Can I rescind that?

ASH: Well you did say something about scrapping 2010 so that may work

TONY: Good.

ASH: Look. Tony. You may be able to say you will try and rescind the ALP policies through parliament, but you will need control of the senate. What is the chance of that?

TONY: Oh I am sure that the Greens will be cooperative.

ASH: But you just said that they are foul and vile.

TONY: I did?

ASH: Yes.

TONY: Any chance you can rescind that bit out?

ASH: You mean edit. I’ll see what I can do. But look. Lets say that the cards fall your way as you predict and you win every seat in Australia. How do you actually intend to say rescind World War One?

TONY: Well look. Ash. We are in opposition. Not government. We don’t need to have a plan. We can make those later closer to the election.

ASH: But that is not what I mean. What you are saying you will do means you need to somehow go back in time which as far as I know is not really scientifically possible.

TONY: Well. There you go. Let me just say that stuff being possible is all well and good and I am all for it and the coalition support the concept of reality. However the science is not in. Not all things in are science and some of science is done outside.

ASH: What?

TONY: Science. It’s everywhere. It’s like God, but it’s not. CO2 and God are invisible you know!

ASH: Look. Lets say you can defy the laws of physics and..

TONY: Let me interrupt you here. I don’t intend to defy anyone. I plan to rescind!

ASH: …Lets say you can do this. It will obviously require infrastructure.

TONY: Well that goes without saying Ash! I mean if you don’t have the infrastructure, the whole prediction falls over.

ASH: Sounds like an expensive project.

TONY: As I said, HUGE!

ASH: And how do you intend to pay for all this?

TONY: All I am saying is we can do it with a simple tax.

ASH: A tax?

TONY: Yep. A rescind tax.

ASH: How big will this tax be?

TONY: HUGE! My economic team tell me at least 70 billion.

ASH: Tony. Do you really think the people of Australia will elect you based on the fact that they will be taxed so you can rescind things but you don’t even bother to tell them how you intend to do so or offer any policies?

TONY: I was really hoping they would.

ASH: Mr Abbott. Thank you for your time.

TONY: I did not mention Sputnik!

ASH: Let me guess. You are going to rescind Sputnik.

TONY: How did you predict that?

ASH: Mr Abbott. Sputnik was in 1957.

TONY: I know that. I’m a rhodes scholar you know.

ASH: So you are going to rescind 1957?

TONY: Yep!

ASH: Tony. You were born in 1957.

TONY: I was?

ASH: Maybe you can rescind that Sputnik rescinding.

TONY: I’ll have to pass it by cabinet first. There were really really keen for it originally. Unanimous support.

ASH: Thank you for your time.

TONY: Thank you. So. How did that go?

ASH: Not too bad Mr Abbott. You had a few problems at the start.

TONY: Should we do it again?

ASH: Nah. I’ll rescind it later.

A. Ghebranious 2011 (All Rights Reserved)

  1. Jennifer Baratta permalink


  2. Geoff permalink

    Pretty silly Ash.

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