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An Open Letter To Harry Jenkins


Hello. How you doing Harry? You okay? Eating well?

I hope those nasty MPs in Parliament during Question Time are not sending you prematurely bald. I think you are doing a spiffing job.

Anyway, I’ve been watching Question Time and have noticed that you seem to be the piggy in the middle of a den of wolves. While the Independents have made some significant reform in regards to the way Parliament works, very few of those reforms address the sporting contest that is Question Time.

Watching it on TV is exciting! It’s actually better than any sport. And during sitting weeks we, the public and the selectors, get to see five one and a half hour games a week! We boo and hiss when we see those we dislike and we cheer and applaud when we see our favourites. We tune in to all the footy show like programs and we watch the media pack try to interpret and predict who will win the grand finals. Just as an aside, I really would like to see Andrew Bolt in a dress. Any chance you can make a ruling on that?

Where was I. Oh yes. Political sport. And not just sport! But a blood sport! It’s a dramatic too-ing and fro-ing. We see MP’s rise and MP’s fall all in the one show! It really is the best thing on TV since the Sesame Street Old Spice Commercial.

However Harry, it seems that you are left to make decisions that seem to vary depending on how those MP’s make you feel on any given day. They push you and goad you and you are basically unable to do anything.

Until now!

Harry. Mr Jenkins. Mr Speaker. I propose treating this sport like other sports. Currently in Tennis and in Cricket, a player can ask for a re-ruling on a decision. I’ve noticed that in parliament you have exactly the same thing. The ‘point of order’.

I propose that each side be given three point of orders in each Question Time session. If a side calls for a point of order that is not ruled as a valid point of order, this reduces the number of point of orders they have in the kitty. If they call for three point of orders and they are ruled not point of orders, then that is it. They can no longer call a point of order for that session. It means the team captains have to think thoroughly before wasting one of their calls.

Further, you currently can call out an individual for a foul or a penalty or even for a send off. But you can’t punish a team if they get rowdy as a bloc. Therefore, if a team persists in unruly behaviour, then you strip them of one of the point of orders.

Now while you currently have a penalty and a send off system, it does not seem all that fair. You let some of the players of both teams walk all over you. It is just not right Harry. My suggestion is to adopt a soccer system of penalties.

Currently, if a misbehaving MP pushes you too far, you name them. The problem though as a viewer is what a dirty player does one day gets them named, but if they do the same thing the next day, you seem hesitant to do so. Do not be Harry! Go hard! Impose the law! Issue the yellow card! That’s what I call naming by the way – a yellow card.

Now in soccer, if the penalty is deliberate and deemed vicious enough such as a tackle from behind, the player is issued directly with a red card! The are sent straight to the sheds. By the way, can we have a camera in the sheds? I for one would love to see what Christopher Pyne does when he is ejected. Does he punch walls? Does he vandalise toilets? The public need to know!

Anyway, also in the soccer system is what they call a count system. That means if a player is consistently causing you to name them, then they need to be punished. So if they accumulate two yellow cards for a week, they automatically are issued a red card from the next game and have to sit the game out on the sidelines. If a player accumulates a number of red cards in say a 10 week period, then the punishment they incur is increased. Its like a judiciary system for the NRL.

For example, currently Christopher Pyne has received two send offs in less than 10 weeks of sitting. This means that he should be now behaving. If he does not, and he earns a third send off, you should be able to not only make him leave for an hour, but for 24 hours. If he does it again, then its a week and so one. There should be no room for bad sportsmen in this game.

Anyway. I am sure you will get other ideas by the fans of this terrific game. I just want you to know that you should not listen to the catcalls from fans that call the referee blind or make assertions on their parentage. I think you are doing a wonderful job and I want to see you inspire the kids of today. My hope is to hear a kid say they want to be speaker of the house when they grow up. After all, without a speaker, we would not have a game.

Feel free to pass this letter on to the various captains of both teams as well as the various free agents of the game. Remind them that people are watching and we do not mind a harsh tussle, as long as the rules are equally harsh.

So go to Harry! Stop the low blows and punish the dirty players! Keep the game free flowing. By the way. I suggest to save your voice from getting too worked out you make them install a large siren that you push instead of when you need to yell ORDER!.

Thanks for listening Harry.


PS: Great beard!

PPS: Any chance of Political bubble gum cards?

A. Ghebranious        2010           All Rights Reserved

  1. Catching up permalink

    It appears that the Opposition is having problems making the new rules work for them. The government speakers seem comfortable in the new regime.

    When the Opposition learns to ask straightforward questions without the usual preamble, they might get somewhere.

    As the Speaker repeatedly is saying, question time is not for debating but asking questions. Question time should not be seen as an opportunity to pour scorn on the government.

    The Opposition has a choice, they can ask questions or they can continue their present behaviour, letting the government answer their questions, anyway they see fit. I suspect that the Opposition do not really want answers.

  2. Seconded!

    Oh and…

    “I for one would love to see what Christopher Pyne does when he is ejected. Does he punch walls? Does he vandalise toilets? The public need to know!”

    I reckon a smug, shit eating grin appears on his face, and he goes and has a drink, with the self-contendness that he “owned” Harry. Much like the class idiot feels himself to be the heroic victor when the teacher throws him out for disrupting the class too much.

  3. david permalink

    give me now

  4. Catching up permalink

    Why did Mr. Pyne have a smug look on his face yesterday during Mr. Abbott’s suspension of standing orders debate yesterday? Did he really think he was getting his own back?

    Both Mr. Abbott and Mr. Pyne cannot look at PM Gillard without a look of loathing on their face. I love the way Mr. Abbott dances around like a boxer when he gets wind up. I would also keep clear of his floundering arms at the same time. I am afraid, to use one of Mr. Howard’s sayings, Mr Abbott did look shrill.

    Did Mr. Pyne really believe that they could ignore the pairing agreed too for the missing ministers to win?

    Mr. Pyne might have been in government for 17 years as he said this morning, but I fear he still has much to learn.

  5. network camera permalink

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